“We don't have to be defined by the things we did or didn't do in our past. Some people allow themselves to be controlled by regret. Maybe it's a regret, maybe it's not. It's merely something that happened. Get over it.”
― Pittacus Lore
I woke up this morning, nice and early, as I do when I do. Made my bed, so as to ensure I'd feel ashamed to even think about hopping back in it. Went and found myself an orange to peel and eat, as one does when they do. Poured the day's first cup of water, and drank it.
As I peeled my orange, I stopped every few seconds to sip my water, still half asleep and not yet fully convinced I wanted to actually start this day. But that's how most of my days begin, so I simply pressed on and continued to peel and sip, as I do when I do.
Orange finaly peeled, cup half full, I started to eat and as I did so I also started to think. By now it's around 3:15am and my thoughts are stuck on tryna figure out what exactly I'm gonna write about today, with regards to relationships.
I'd already spent the past 3 or so weeks writing my way outta some sorta self-hate season that was going on with me, and how I subsequently set about reconciling my relationship with self.
So I felt like today it'd be dope to sit and write about relationships other than the one I have with my "self".
About friends and family, about love and life.
And as I sat there chewing on my now almost finished orange, all I could think about were all the relationships that I didn't have. All the moments between family & friends, lovers and life that I had taken for granted, jeopardised, ruined or run away from.
Eventually a young pattern emerged, that went something like this;
If you were my friend in high school, chances are we don't talk much and are nowhere near as close, cos when I first decided to become a rapper of all things . . . I isolated myself from most of the world I knew. I was afraid of being judged for the most part, and plus I hated being around conversations where you had a job and a clear plan . . . while I had fairytale dreams & a passion I could barely describe or articulate. When I first came back home from dropping out my degree, you had your qualifications and a set of proud parents . . . while I had a mixtape and no idea how I was ever gonna make any of this make sense. I regret thinking that way, because I really could have used the friendship of someone who'd always known me.
If you were a family member, chances are that either at some point I overheard you criticise me for not following through with my degree . . . I heard you doubt me & laugh at what I knew as my ambition and deepest desrie, so I put you on "the list". I showed you respect, but I never spent any time with you from then on because to me you were an enemy trying to break me. Now I barely know any of you as well as I should, and I sincerely regret that, because as my parents get older I realise that in time I'll be the elder and I won't know how to connect the kids to what or whom. I realise now you weren't an enemy, you were merely as afraid as I was this whole time I've been on this journey. Thankfully mama is home for good now and she'll put us all back together, as mothers do, and we'll be a family again.
If you were my girl in the days when I started this foolish mission to the places of my dreams, chances are that as soon you got too close I said something like "just so you know, I can't let you come between me & my music ever . . . it's too important to me". And even though each time I said such a thing I saw the disheartened look in your eyes, I always said it again & again. I guess I used to be afraid that if I fell in love and let love in I'd not have enouh love to be all that I dreamed. I sacrificed many a great opportunity to have love in my life, because I thought I had this all figured out. Well, look at me my dears, still on my way and "about to blow" . . . as it turns out there was plenty room for love. In fact, if I could go back I woulda held you a little longer & spent a couple nights away from the studio just to show you that you did matter and that I did need you.
But such is life, and perhaps all these are the rocks we stub our toes on as we journey down the path of purpose. The lessons that later lead us, to a fuller richer life. I'm still young and still learning. I've found amazing friends now I never imagined I'd have, and begun to build bridges between parts of my family I'd sorely missed, and somehow found a love I never imagined I could.
I regret that it took so much pain to get here, but I'm glad I got here. I don't doubt there'll be more pain and mistakes further along the way, and as long as I know they eventually lead to the light . . . I'm cool with that.
See you tomorrow.